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The Philosophy of Understanding
When we look carefully at conflict—no matter the type—we invariably see that
both sides are engaged in similar internal processes. First, there is something
specific that they are disagreeing about—money, custody of a child, the rights
to a house, the ability to control board of directors, something quite important
to each. Still, they would easily come to resolution if not for the next problem.
Second, and most importantly, injury has taken place. They each see the
other as having attacked them in some way (normally, they conclude that the
other person doesn't at all care about their well-being). The disagreement
has become personal. Once this occurs—once enemy images have been
created and reinforced—anger pervades and they simply cannot seriously
consider alternatives which satisfy both of their needs. And so they fight. And
so they hire lawyers and go to court, spend great sums and sadly intensify the
hatred.
This is the trap in which so many find themselves. There is however a way
out. Both parties’ impressions of the problem itself will radically change when
their experience is recognized by the other as completely valid. In the
Resolving Conflict Through Understanding approach, we look to establish
connection between those in dispute. While understanding, once achieved,
does not itself resolve the dispute, it lays the foundation for productive
problem solving. When people can begin again to see the humanity in each
other, solutions very naturally follow.
People are most likely to see the logic of this approach to resolving conflict
when their relationship will continue beyond the conclusion of the immediate
matter, such as in divorce (where children are present), in family businesses
and tight communities. But the benefits go well beyond preserving respect
and warmth in a relationship. First, the solutions found normally withstand the
test of time because they are designed by the parties themselves, with deep
understanding and appreciation for their own needs and the needs of the
other. Second, the time and expense are almost always a fraction of those
involved in litigation. Third, and perhaps most important, the process frees
people from the devastating consequences of anger and resentment. As we
all know, the greatest cost to conflict is that we become consumed. Here we
can once again enjoy the beauty that awaits us in life.
both sides are engaged in similar internal processes. First, there is something
specific that they are disagreeing about—money, custody of a child, the rights
to a house, the ability to control board of directors, something quite important
to each. Still, they would easily come to resolution if not for the next problem.
Second, and most importantly, injury has taken place. They each see the
other as having attacked them in some way (normally, they conclude that the
other person doesn't at all care about their well-being). The disagreement
has become personal. Once this occurs—once enemy images have been
created and reinforced—anger pervades and they simply cannot seriously
consider alternatives which satisfy both of their needs. And so they fight. And
so they hire lawyers and go to court, spend great sums and sadly intensify the
hatred.
This is the trap in which so many find themselves. There is however a way
out. Both parties’ impressions of the problem itself will radically change when
their experience is recognized by the other as completely valid. In the
Resolving Conflict Through Understanding approach, we look to establish
connection between those in dispute. While understanding, once achieved,
does not itself resolve the dispute, it lays the foundation for productive
problem solving. When people can begin again to see the humanity in each
other, solutions very naturally follow.
People are most likely to see the logic of this approach to resolving conflict
when their relationship will continue beyond the conclusion of the immediate
matter, such as in divorce (where children are present), in family businesses
and tight communities. But the benefits go well beyond preserving respect
and warmth in a relationship. First, the solutions found normally withstand the
test of time because they are designed by the parties themselves, with deep
understanding and appreciation for their own needs and the needs of the
other. Second, the time and expense are almost always a fraction of those
involved in litigation. Third, and perhaps most important, the process frees
people from the devastating consequences of anger and resentment. As we
all know, the greatest cost to conflict is that we become consumed. Here we
can once again enjoy the beauty that awaits us in life.
| For more about the philosophy of Understanding, visit questions. |
| Offices in San Francisco, Oakland and Walnut Creek 415.356.9834 |
| Resolving Conflict through Understanding |
Finding Solutions
to Conflict in:
to Conflict in:
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is there any rational alternative?